On Soda

As an avid soda drinker (especially a daily crisp refreshing can of Dr. Pepper), I was shocked and appalled by a recent post on the “Water for Life USA Blog” that outlined eight harmful health effects of drinking soft drinks cleverly titled, “8 Ways Soda Fizzles Your Health.” The title of the slanderous blog entry jumped off the screen this morning while checking my Email. Out of morbid curiosity, I clicked the link … certainly this couldn’t be true! Tooth decay?! Bone loss?! Brain damage?! There had to be some hidden agenda behind this article that was attempting terrify the soda drinking masses. After countless hours of research, a brief investigation by a private investigation firm and hundreds of phone calls to web-hosting providers, my search for a source came to frustrating end. Who were these people? Why do they hate soda?

Finally, after three solid days of independent research, I had given up my investigation. As I popped open my third can of DP, I noticed something. Just above the article entry in bold lettering read the phrase, “The exclusive US distributor for KYK Water Ionizers.” AhhhHaa!!! I knew there had to be some malicious plot behind the article, and now the devious plan was clear. This was a scheme by Big Water Ionization! The water ionization distribution industry has long been the hidden enemy of soda drinkers everywhere, and now their latest smear campaign has been blown wide open!

There’s only one way to combat this hateful propaganda. I give you:
8 Reasons Why Soda Is Awesome

1. It Is DeliciousThis is commonly known and was recently scientifically proven. In fact, researchers at M.I.T. have discovered it is so good, that many people drink it with every meal!

2. It Is CheapWith combo meals, a large soda is only an extra dollar, and you get fries!

3. It Helps Abandoned PuppiesMost abandoned puppies love soda too, and it helps them in many, many ways.

4. It Cures Hair lossJust pour it on your head several times a day, and you will grown a lush main of gorgeous long hair in just two weeks … guaranteed!

5. It Burns Cleaner and More Effectively than PetroleumIt’s true. I recently converted my ’98 Plymouth Neon to run only on Mountain Dew, and it gets 87 miles to the gallon!

6. It Stops Global WarmingThe natural gases released when opening a can of soda actually ascend into the atmosphere and fill the hole in the ozone layer!

7. It Champions Third World Debt Relief Don’t take my word for it … just ask Bono.

8. It Is the World’s Third Most Abundant Natural Resource(Just behind air and dirt)

Still not drinking soda?I think we’ve made our point. So go help yourself (and the environment!) and grab yourself a tasty Mountain Dew … this one’s on the house.

Here's to destroying pesky rumors about why Soda is harmful.

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